Baseball's DL includes players with wacky injuries

By Mike Lopresti USA TODAY
6/29/2005 1:30:00 PM

It's a jungle out there in major league baseball. Dangerous laundry carts. Malicious water coolers. Treacherous recliners. Hazardous pillow feathers. And the victims are beginning to stack up.

The latest casualty, you may have heard, was Pittsburgh pitcher Oliver Perez, breaking his toe kicking a laundry cart after a disappointing start. Which just goes to show you the peril of taking out your displaced aggression on a bunch of dirty socks.

That followed by only a few days Texas ace Kenny Rogers, reportedly displeased at the umpire, breaking a finger while attacking a water cooler. He makes about $90,000 per start and missed his next game, so you could buy a loaded Hummer with one Rogers temper tantrum.

This season also included Colorado rookie phenom Clint Barmes, shelved by a broken collarbone incurred when lugging deer meat up apartment-house steps. The official medical term for that, I believe, is Bambi's Revengititis.

Then there was Chicago reliever Mike Remlinger, getting his finger caught in a clubhouse recliner. And Minnesota's Terry Mulholland rolling over in a hotel bed and having his eye poked by an unruly pillow feather.

Clearly, the baseball world is a risky place, and players are pretty expensive assets. What are the owners to do? Perhaps some new contract addendums might help.

The following - as safeguards against some of the most storied injuries of baseball's past - should be added to all standard contracts.

Immediately, too. Before the soda machine hurts an infielder.

Paragraph 1. If the signee wishes to exercise, it must be on a track, sidewalk or other non-moving surface (the Moises Alou clause: He missed the entire 1999 season after reportedly blowing out his knee on a treadmill).

Paragraph 2. No sneezing on game days (the Sammy Sosa clause, having once ka-chooed his way to back spasms).

Paragraph 3. Don't even think about doing wheelies on a motorcycle (the Jeff Kent clause).

Paragraph 3A. And if you do and break something, never mind the lame alibi that you were hurt while washing your truck.

Paragraph 4. Signee should avoid the use of sharp objects without adequate supervision (the Adam Eaton clause: Trying to open a DVD package, the San Diego pitcher stabbed himself in the stomach with a paring knife).

Paragraph 5. Only foam pillows allowed.

Paragraph 6. Club dress code will include only Velcro tennis shoes or loafers (the Wade Boggs clause: He hurt his back straining to put on cowboy boots).

Paragraph 7. On rainy days, signee will stay at least 100 yards away from all tarps (the Vince Coleman clause: He was knocked out of the 1985 playoffs for St. Louis after a mean-spirited automatic tarp rolled over him).

Paragraph 8. Signee will try to avoid ripping a phone book in half. Or if he must, use a book from a town no larger than Ames, Iowa (the Steve Sparks clause: Inspired by a motivational session with the Milwaukee Brewers, which included the demonstrators tearing apart phone books, the re-energized Sparks raced home, tried to do the same thing and dislocated his shoulder).

Paragraph 9. Signee should always take his shirt off before ironing it (the John Smoltz clause, more popularly known as the "some-knucklehead-will-try-anything" proviso: Smoltz once attempted to iron his shirt while wearing it and scalded his chest, which may or may not be the origin of the pitching term "high heat").

Paragraph 10. No gambling, drugs, or recliners allowed in the clubhouse.

Paragraph 11. Elevator required when carrying venison or other groceries. Or better yet, eat out.

Paragraph 12. Lastly, be nice to the water cooler and laundry cart, and they will be nice to you.