I cried at church today...

Now doesnt that sound so un-tim-like? Well...yea, cuz im never that "sentimental" or "weak", but you know what? I couldnt handle it anymore. The lie has been in me for way too long. All of those "yea, im ok" to the "are you ok?" questions......well no, im not... its been a hard summer. Never have I had such an anticipated summer, and in return, never have I had such an unexpected summer. This was to be the best summer of my life, but rite now, everythings been going exactly opposite of what was to be. Not everything has been bad in summer cuz I did spend more time with the niners, but seriously, the main "thing" has been totally reversed, and to sum up all of the "troubles" ive been having: I've been heartbroken. Literally. Not joking. It's been a trainwreck summer becuz of that reason. Everything else has kept me going and has kept my spirit somewhat positive, but yea, heartbroken. So yea, thats why I actually teared up during singspiration today at church. But this problem is deeper than just that. Why did I tear up? well...heartbroken....BUT THEN WHY HEARTBROKEN?
We started out rite. We were....how shall i say? "destined"? that mite be stretching it, but we were so similar. We had connectedness. We were tight. Things looked great. Then "out of the blue"....WHAM... straight into my face. What did I do wrong? I dunno. And its not an "i have no idea what i did wrong""i dunno".....its an "i have no idea IF i did anything wrong""i dunno". But yea.....it went straight into my face like a pie. I really couldnt take it at first, but then i sorta "accepted" it by distracting myself with other things. But in the end, this still haunts me, and it haunted me today. To be forced to not love someone when the person was all you have ever dreamed about and wanted from God. To be forced to turn away when you have no idea if you have done something wrong. To be forced to forget the wonderful moments and signs that God had allowed to be seen. To be forced to not love the first person you seriously had feelings for (not like one of those infatuations). To be forced to resist loving someone whom you have loved for the "longest" time when things HAD STARTED both ways and was working well, yet to no avail, reduced to the simple "friend" and left hanging with only the tiniest possibility of ever having another chance. Heartbroken. Well...thats life, rite?
"With All I Am" was the song that the worship team led which struck me deep down. It spoke of giving up everything for God with every inch of your body...
~~~WITH ALL I AM~~~
Into Your hands I commit again
All I am for You, Lord
You hold my world in the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You. Jesus I belong to You
You're the reason that I live, the reason that I sing
With all I am

I'll walk with You wherever You go
Through tears and joy I'll trust in You
And I will live in all of Your ways
And Your promises forever

I will worship, I will worship You
~~~~~~~~~~
Have I been giving my all to God? I cant say yes. Gods been giving me so many signs and opportunities to really trust in Him. This song really spoke to me. Ive been leaving things in my own hands for far too long, and I need to surrender all and go back to Him. Heartbroken? Gotta go to God. But theres only so much I can do to go to God. Do I feel sad about this whole ordeal? Yea, and I'll feel it for the longest time. Through the darkest hours, I know only God can help me. I really hope things work out through Gods plan. Whether through the toughest pains of the world or down the easiest path a man can ever take. Gods the leader. Its never what I want. Its always what God wants. I really hope Gods plan was for me to be heartbroken. To many of you who have given me encouragements and uplifting advice, thanx. For those who have been praying for me, thanx. For those who will pray for me, thanx. I hope all of this will help someone someday. Whether someone I will never know, or the closest person I will know. Ive been moved by God to speak out. I hope someday, YOU will find out too, but for now, its all for God. Or else, why would I cry at church?